Today I just couldn't stop. Stop obsessing. Stop feeling. Stop talking. Stop thinking. Stop freaking. Stop being a freak. I need a re-education. I'm 26 years old and I need to learn how to be a normal, social person all over again.
Earlier this evening, I found a very close college friend of mine on Facebook. In the grand scheme of my life, we were extremely close for about a minute. Hell, even in relation to four years of college, we were only close for a minute. But, in the thick of it, we really connected. We met and we were just friends, in what that word is really supposed to mean. Like, in a nice mix of dot your i's with hearts way and have your kids call her "aunt" even though she's not way. We did everything together for a few months. She was a great friend to me -- she really listened, we exchanged witty banter, we had great fun. She really understood me in a way that I felt few people did. And, even now, I still think she understood me better than most people had or have since. It was a strange connection, but I was incredibly grateful for it. Knowing what I know now about myself, it's occurred to me that maybe I was kind of in love with her -- or the idea of her.
Fast forward a few months and we weren't speaking anymore. I've wondered for years what happened.
Enter Facebook, circa today. I looked her up, and there she was. And I friend requested her. I used up all 255 permitted characters in my greeting trying to explain that I really and truly missed her friendship and I still thought about her often. I sent the message before I could erase those 255 characters, therefore preventing myself from sounding like a complete stalker-freak. And away it went into cyberspace. My 255 character message in all it's freakishness.
I had thought about contacting her again for at least two years, actually. And yet. It felt like it had to be today. I just had to know. Immediately.
Putting out that friend request felt like offering my glass heart for her to smash into a million pieces. I'm doing a lot of that lately. This request for acceptance is a microcosm of my last few months. I'm left questioning. Vulnerable. In all my freakish glory.