blabber mouth

I am probably one of the most open people you will ever meet. I have no trouble sharing stories of my rather unfortunate childhood, or my favorite sexual position or even how the end of my last relationship sent me into a deep depression. I'm the girl who asks her coworkers at a diner if they've ever heard of the no-touch orgasm. I share every aspect of my life with my closest friends, my coworkers or even near-strangers. Or, in many cases, complete strangers via blogging. And I love it. It's a huge part of who I am. I share. I have the capacity to make people uncomfortable. I would probably talk to a wall if there was no one around and I just needed to say something. The need to talk and write and express is always burning in me.

But there's this one thing that I haven't quite been able to say yet. This one thing. I've shared it with only four people. The fourth only being told this evening, and I said it out loud as more of a test to myself than anything. 

And, actually, this is something that I really should be talking about. By not feeling comfortable enough with it to talk about, I'm essentially denying its existence. And that's not me. I need to be vocal. I blog because I want to be heard. And, often, when I choose not to blog about something, its more self-censorship than anything -- if by putting something out there I think I may really hurt someone, I won't do it. I am constantly writing entries that never see the world wide web. 

But no one would be hurt if I shared this. And I'm still not sure why I can't. I am just... blocked. My intention is not to be all cryptic here, I swear. I just wanted... something. 

My high school boyfriend and I used to say that to one another all the time: You should be feeling... something. That became our thing. I miss having things with people.

Wait, I have a thing with two of my closest friends: "But wait... it gets worse!" That's our thing. Great, I feel better now that I remembered having a thing!!

Oh, and my team at work also says "vom" a lot. We're, like, totally Valley Girls. That's kind of a thing, too. 

I still have things.

Point? Right. I guess that I just needed to say that here I am priding myself on being an often insanely open person and I have this thing (but now I'm talking about a different kind of thing. Are you even kind of following me?) that I am saying nothing about. I am a giant hypocrite. And apparently I'm awesome at being weird cryptic chick now.