Friday, October 30, 2009

Baby Talk

I'm back. There's that.

A few weeks ago, Rachel received the fabulous news that she is soon to be an aunt. I was over the moon for her and her brother and sister-in-law. And for me, too. Because, I don't know if you know this, but I really love babies. They're cute and squishy and you can mold them to like cool music. I want one, too.

Earlier this week, Rachel and I visited the expectant parents in Orlando. Our first vacation together, complete with much MUCH (too much?) discussion of babies. Naturally, of the baby due into her family in April, but also of a now-fictional child born to myself and my girlfriend. Had we discussed a family? Who would carry the baby? Would we adopt? Would we decorate the nursery in green or yellow?

It's certainly not that I hadn't thought about this on my own. I have often. Having and raising a child is high on my list of priorities in the next few years, as it has been for a few now. But talking about it - out loud - with other people - made it real. I may make the choice to have a child with another woman (albeit with some help). Because, for me it would be a choice. I go back and forth between feeling lucky that I do feel like I have a choice and feeling burdened that I can make such a choice. I am also grateful that I am open to exploring what is best for me. I could have gone about my heterosexual life and probably have been happy enough, but I made a choice to look deeper at myself and what I wanted in my life. Or, perhaps more accurately, who I wanted in my life. I'm equally grateful to have a relatively supportive core family who has not judged me for the choices I've made over the last year. I'm not really sure how my extended family feels, though, mostly because I haven't heard from them. Facebook outted me and it seems to have ended there (although, probably not for the questions my mother has to answer).

Anyway... I'm well-into prime baby-making age, and I have a choice. Today, I am in love with a beautiful, smart, caring woman who loves me, too. That's pretty cool. To raise a child with her, could be, I'm almost certain, a wonderful experience. But, it would, by society's standards, the more challenging path for me, and, potentially, for the child.

Wanda Sykes and her wife just had twins, you know.

Funny, but the 'what do I want' has never changed. Five years ago I wanted a family (see Hetero-Ashley), and I still do (see Bi-Ashley). Sometimes I just wish getting there was easier.

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